"Choices"

     Life is about making choices.  Some choices are made from wisdom, some, folly.  Some choices are of certainty, some of naivete. Some are the result of love, some borne of rebelliousness. Some choices affect us for days or weeks, months or years, and some have a lifelong effect.  Our choices are something we must live with, as they result in consequences, positive as well as negative. 

     For many, wisdom is a reward of growing older, achieved through life experiences.  Occasionally, we are presented with an opportunity to make things right.  Personally, I am working towards a college degree now, in my fifties.  My choice is not solely about my education, though.  It is about my choice to let go of the past, and embrace the present-my present. 

     My sons are all adults now.  One of the most difficult things I have done in my life is to let them go.  I would prefer to keep them close to me always, if I could.  I realize, however, that they are entitled to live their own lives and make their own choices without my interference, unsolicited advice, or attempts to control them.  I have, therefore, made a conscious effort to build a life for myself, which entails learning, developing my own talents, doing things I enjoy, making new friends, and sustaining enduring friendships.  I see my sons when they are available, and conceal my disappointment when they are not.

     When I was younger, I was not so fortunate as to have a mother who was willing to make a similar effort.  I am determined to learn from the experience, and not emulate it.  My sons do not owe me anything, and that includes their time.  They did not enter into this world clutching an I.O.U. Yes, I spent my younger years raising them, doing without, and providing them with a home, necessities, some frivolities, and the best education we could afford to give them.  That was my choice, and my duty as a parent.  There is no “price tag” attached. Parents are not “contractors” who present their children with itemized bills once they reach adulthood. My sons are not indebted to me, as parenthood does not elicit compensation, emotional or otherwise.  I love them, and I did the best I could for them because of that love.

     I will always be here for my sons should they need me, and assist them in any way I can, if they ask.  But for now, I live my own life.  I possess a positive attitude, a sense of hope, an independent spirit, and a determination to hide from them (and myself) just how acutely I miss the little boys they once were.