"Choices"

     Life is about making choices.  Some choices are made from wisdom, some, folly.  Some choices are of certainty, some of naivete. Some are the result of love, some borne of rebelliousness. Some choices affect us for days or weeks, months or years, and some have a lifelong effect.  Our choices are something we must live with, as they result in consequences, positive as well as negative. 

     For many, wisdom is a reward of growing older, achieved through life experiences.  Occasionally, we are presented with an opportunity to make things right.  Personally, I am working towards a college degree now, in my fifties.  My choice is not solely about my education, though.  It is about my choice to let go of the past, and embrace the present-my present. 

     My sons are all adults now.  One of the most difficult things I have done in my life is to let them go.  I would prefer to keep them close to me always, if I could.  I realize, however, that they are entitled to live their own lives and make their own choices without my interference, unsolicited advice, or attempts to control them.  I have, therefore, made a conscious effort to build a life for myself, which entails learning, developing my own talents, doing things I enjoy, making new friends, and sustaining enduring friendships.  I see my sons when they are available, and conceal my disappointment when they are not.

     When I was younger, I was not so fortunate as to have a mother who was willing to make a similar effort.  I am determined to learn from the experience, and not emulate it.  My sons do not owe me anything, and that includes their time.  They did not enter into this world clutching an I.O.U. Yes, I spent my younger years raising them, doing without, and providing them with a home, necessities, some frivolities, and the best education we could afford to give them.  That was my choice, and my duty as a parent.  There is no “price tag” attached. Parents are not “contractors” who present their children with itemized bills once they reach adulthood. My sons are not indebted to me, as parenthood does not elicit compensation, emotional or otherwise.  I love them, and I did the best I could for them because of that love.

     I will always be here for my sons should they need me, and assist them in any way I can, if they ask.  But for now, I live my own life.  I possess a positive attitude, a sense of hope, an independent spirit, and a determination to hide from them (and myself) just how acutely I miss the little boys they once were.

"Before and After"

                                                            


      The job search is an ongoing cause for anxiety.  I am not pounding the pavement.  I am pounding on a keyboard, and my fingertips are developing calluses.  I am also bleary eyed from staring at the computer screen for hours on end.  Fingers crossed that I will find something soon...    
     With four months of unemployment under my belt, I am finally developing my own sense of rhythm, and adapting to the manner in which things are done now, in these technologically advanced times that we live in.  Prior to losing my job recently, the last time I looked for a job was nine years ago.  I bought a newspaper, looked in the classifieds for the appropriate job titles, obtained the fax and phones numbers, and faxed my resume to the prospective employer.  A few days later, I would call the Human Resources Department to  schedule an appointment for an interview.  The interview would go well (of course), and result in a second interview.  I would follow up, and then I would receive a job offer.  Additionally, the ratio of applications to job offers was much more in my favor at that time.  Things have certainly changed since 2004.  I am constantly adapting to new technology, and have submitted my resume to countless companies, without the use of a fax machine.  Today I had a meltdown because I was experiencing difficulty with my new scanner.  I managed to scan the document, a job application, but then I couldn't find it!  Knowing how technologically challenged I am, I started early.  If I didn't figure it out, I would still have had time to find a fax machine locally...
     Father time is not on my side either.  I therefore went online to search out hairstyles that are geared not only to "50-something" women, but also to job seekers.  They advise that one never goes on an interview with (gray) roots, as they age you.  (I guess I'll be coloring every three weeks going forward).  Additionally, I promptly went to the hairdresser and had four inches chopped off my long locks.  (I hate the new haircut).  I am not a fan of even moderately short hair, but I felt that a shorter cut would look more professional.  I have also invested in some more new duds, taking advantage of the end of season sales.  (I didn't go to this much trouble trying to land my last husband!)   I am becoming exhausted just writing all of this.  Calgon, take me away...

                                                 
                                                             

                                                              

"Vanity"

There may not be a next time, he said to me

In a brazen display of his vanity.

I may not ask you out again.

I pondered his remarks, while counting to ten.

I don't do ultimatums, I stated at last.

Dealing with such nonsense is a thing of my past.

The voice of my intuition screamed run don't walk.

A red flag was raised by the tone of such talk. 

He's attempting to control me after only one date.

He's not someone I'd consider as a potential mate.

I wrote this little jingle about another of my experiences.  I had one date with this fellow. He subsequently asked me out again, but I declined.  I wasn't keen on his suggested activity, so I politely said "perhaps another time".  His response is the opening line...

"Sneak Preview"

     Here is an update on "the comedian".  I told you about him.  I met him on the internet dating site.  He's the one who looks like my ex husband. (Perhaps that was an omen!)  We had a nice lunch, although he assumed we were gong to spend the evening together, and he therefore "kept his evening wide open".  I was never unclear about our date being limited to lunch.  In fact, I originally only wanted to meet for coffee... Red flag number one.

    We had a few subsequent phone conversations, and then suddenly I didn't hear from him when he promised to call. (That's surprising, isn't it girls?  A guy who says he's going to call, and then doesn't...Apparently this trait is not altered by age!)  A couple of weeks go by, and he Emails me.  He had injured his foot, and was in a lot of pain.  I responded sympathetically.  Then I receive another Email...containing a picture...of his foot!  And if that wasn't creepy enough, he indicated that the picture was a "sneak preview".   I was afraid to ask of what.  I was too stunned, and somewhat disturbed, to respond. Now, I'm not naive, and I'm no prude. But I considered that comment to be  rather presumptuous of him... Red flag number two.  Additionally, it appears that my lack of response irritated him, because next he left me a sarcastic voice mail message about my not contacting him  to see how he was feeling. Red flag number three. I guess I neglected to tell him that I don't tolerate sarcasm.  I also failed to mention that:  three strikes, and you're out!

     When I was younger, I probably would have ignored these red flags, and been swayed by his good looks.  No more though.  I've had too much of an education to ignore such things.  In the words of my late mom: "you can't eat good looks".  Agreed.  In the words of my late grandmother: "yeah, but if you have nothing to eat, at least have something to look at".  I have plenty to eat.  And Buddy is very handsome.  I've got the best of both worlds! 

Spring Semester 2013

  

      I have made my decision regarding the classes I will be taking during the spring semester.  Yes, I opted out of Biology, again.  Conveniently, I justified my decision due to my job search.  Quite frankly, I don't know why I have to take a science course, anyway.  After all, I'm not a twenty something who is trying to decide on a career path.  I will procrastinate on this one, probably till the bitter end.  Once I do take it, however, I will embrace it.  I have decided to take Psychology of Aging and Spanish (also not my fondest desire). I went to Barnes & Noble the other evening and bought a Spanish-English dictionary.  While writing this post, I'm looking at the picture of the dictionary, and am incredulous to realize that what I need is an English-Spanish dictionary.  I'm off to a great start!  How do you say duh in Spanish?

   

                                              
    

"A Lover of Books"

     I am a lover of books.  I truly love to read, but I find that time constraints do not allow for the amount of reading I would like to do. The picture above is of the books I received for Christmas, two of which were from me, to me.  I sat down and read two of the books cover to cover, practically non stop.  Is it possible that I will be able to read the remaining eight before I return to school later this month?  Doubtful, especially considering I went to Barnes & Noble last night, bought two more books, and four magazines.  Three of the magazines will probably be added to the foot high pile that is adorning one of my bookcases, waiting patiently for me to recall that they are there, and embrace them.

     Historically, I oftentimes bought my books, as opposed to utilizing the library.  I have come to realize that this was not always a good investment.  Not the books themselves of course, but the fact that it sometimes takes me so long to actually read them, that by the time I do, my tastes may have changed, and I may have lost interest in the subject matter. 

     When I was young, I was addicted to romance novels, my favorite author being Kathleen Woodiwiss.  I had time on my hands before I had my family, and on average I read a book per week.  I tired of romance as I grew older and somewhat cynical, graduating to historical fiction.  I devoured titles like Year of Wonders,  The Red Tent, Queenmaker, and One Thousand White Women, as they each depicted the lives of strong women.  I subsequently purchased countless similar titles, many of which are packed away in my son's attic, in a holding pattern similar to that of my magazines. 

     Currently, and for the last few years, I relish memoirs and biographies. I have read of Oskar Schindler, Truman Capote, Virginia Kelley, Lee Krasner, and Alice Sebold, to name a few.  I recently read My Berlin Kitchen, The Daily Coyote,  January First, and The End of Your Life Book Club, all of which were "non put down-able"!  I am mesmerized (not surprisingly) by memoirs about people and their pets.  Some of my favorites are Chosen by a Horse,  Izzy & Lenore, Good Dog, Stay, and Ever by My Side.  Sadly, I have cried my way through some of them, privately commiserating with the author as their pets pass.

     For a time after my divorce, I had forgotten how much I love to read.  My return to school, and a particular professor, resurrected that passion, and I am grateful.  What a joy it is to be curled up on the love seat with my lab, reading the night away!  It gives Buddy great joy, too!

     I could go on and on, listing additional titles of wonderful books that I have read, many of which I long to read again, many of which I have already.  Years back, I read The Virgin Blue, by Tracy Chevalier.  This story was so compelling that, when I finished it, I went directly back to page one and read it again. 

     My eternal favorites stay close by on my bookcases,  in a different type of holding pattern.  They lie in wait for me to revisit them, and they give me comfort, just knowing they are there.  Seems like a good investment after all.

"Happy New Year"

     Happy New Year everyone!  Welcome to my 100th post!

     Anyone who knows me is aware of how much I utterly detest New Year's Eve.  I am most grateful this morning that I don't have to face another one for an entire year!  Much to my surprise, the first Happy New Year greeting that I received in 2013, at 12:15 A.M., was from Prince Charming! (He woke me up!)  I am pleased that  he was thinking of me on two major holidays.  (He texted me on Christmas also!).  Perhaps I'll meet him before the year is out.  We've been moving at a snail's pace, communicating since the summer.  Imagine if he was the  only potential suitor on my horizon. I'd never have a date!  Ah well, I always have Buddy...
     I received my grades for the fall semester.  I earned two A's, and I have a 3.88 GPA.  I am now preparing for the spring semester.  Once again I am registered for Biology, and once again, I am second guessing my decision.  I pore over the course catalogue the way a chef pores over recipes, or a lover of books peruses library shelves.  Last semester, I registered and subsequently dropped or altered approximately a dozen courses, ultimately settling on two.  This time, I merely scheduled Biology.   I would prefer to take two (easier) courses, as I fear Bio will entail more difficulty than I could handle while starting a new job.  (That is, provided I find a new job.)  Additionally, my former employer allowed me to work early hours, so school never interfered.  I don't know if Bio will prove to be a conflict, as it starts at 5:40.  I found two courses that start at 6:00, Spanish and, appropriately, Psychology of Aging.  Neither of these would conflict with work, and I would earn six more credits.  What to do?!?!?
     I am starting my New Year off with one of my favorite activities.  I am seeing a movie with one of my BFF's.  Considering I have such difficulty with decision making, I'm asking her to choose...