"Bridge Brave: Domination of the Dreaded Driscoll"

     Anyone who knows me well is aware that I have a bridge phobia.  It is something inherent, for, even as a child, I had nightmares about bridges, which have continued through my adult life.

     (For the record, I know a woman who will only traverse a bridge if someone else is driving, and she is in the back, cowering on the floor.  She makes me feel bridge brave!)

     One Memorial Day weekend, my niece invited me to the Jersey Shore for a barbeque.  Great idea, except I have to navigate the Driscoll Bridge to get there.  Or do I?  On second thought, I chose Route 9.  It runs parallel to the Parkway, and boasts a lower, less intimidating bridge. So off I go, a bundle of nerves, over the Route 9 Bridge, triumphantly gazing at the “Dreaded Driscoll”, to my right.  Once over the bridge, I turned left to head to the Parkway.  The result was that I was driving the wrong direction, away from the Parkway, on a highway heading north to the Route 35 Bridge, which towers above the Driscoll, and is curved and narrow to boot!  I promptly stopped, (the road had no shoulder) pondering my dilemma. There was a median preventing me from making a U-turn, so I opted to back up to the intersection, where I had noticed some kind of building.  (Fortunately for me, traffic was light that day.)  I successfully navigated my way to the parking lot, with the intention of going inside the establishment for directions.  It was a Go-go bar.  I quickly nixed that idea and I elected to take my chances with the median, making an illegal turn back to the direction where I came from originally.  At that point, my intuition told me to abandon my plight and head back home.  I didn’t listen.  After driving another hour over more bridges than I can count,   I gave up, turned around, and headed back after all.  After two hours of pointless driving, I arrived home starving and emotionally spent.  Ignoring my hunger, I went immediately to bed and pulled the covers up over my head, where I remained until the following morning.

      Ever the optimist, I viewed that little trek as bridge practice. I drove over more bridges that day than I had in fifteen years. I have since come to terms with my fear of the Driscoll Bridge, and I drive over it regardless of my interminable nervousness, and my triumphant gaze is in the direction of the Routes 9 & 35 Bridges.  Jersey Shore, here I come!

"Pet Peeves"

I loathe the dog poop decorations

You have adorning our home.

You act as if this property

Is yours, and your alone.

You haven’t a shred of consideration

For anyone but yourselves.

You and your dog and your dog poop

Make this apartment look like hell!  (not exactly what I wanted to say, but it is Easter, so I restrained myself.)

 

     My neighbors are decorating for Easter. Their dog is dyed green and the poop adorning front porch is in bags the color of Easter Egg blues and yellows.  Why didn’t I think of that?  I just have Easter Bunnies, flowers, and wind chimes.

     I actually confronted the offending neighbors about the situation last week, since they hadn't disposed of it since Washington's BD. ( I'm not kidding.  The stench was unbearable.)  The poop free porch lasted a week, now they're at it again.  When I move to another apartment,  there is no way I will pay a transfer fee.  I'm going to present management with a ton of pictures. P.S. If this is what they have on display at their home's front entrance, imagine what the inside looks like...

                                                                

 

"A Sorry Sense of Direction"

     At times, I have a sorry sense of direction. (You already know that if you read my post “Driving Alone II, Lost in Cranford.) For instance, did I ever tell you the real reason that I purchased a cell phone back in 2001?  I made a trip to Taco Bell, to pick up supper for the family.  Mind you, the Taco Bell was a mere 10 minutes from our house.  Well, coming out of their driveway, I made a wrong turn.  (The return trip is not as direct. Really!)  I continued driving, my intuition telling me that I was going the wrong way, but proceeding nevertheless.  (I have since learned to listen to my intuition. She is the brains of this outfit.) I wound up in a somewhat unsavory area, and I asked someone for directions.  They sent me ever deeper into the city.  By this time I am totally exasperated, and there is no one to turn to. My husband (at the time) had been a truck driver for many years, and he knew his way around the state blindfolded.  The problem was, I couldn’t contact him because I didn’t have a cell phone, and there wasn’t a pay phone in sight.  I eventually found a gas station, and the fellow mercifully pointed me towards home and directed me out of the city.  I was amazed when, after going about 4 blocks and making a scant 2 turns, I knew exactly where I was: in my town, 10 minutes from my house, and fortunately for me, I wasn’t back in front of the Taco Bell.  The very next day, I packed the sons up and made a trek to the mall.  We all came home with cell phones that day.  They were thrilled, in spite of the cold tacos they’d had for supper the night before.

"Canine Cold Shoulder"

    

                                            "Buddy's reaction when I told him I'm going back to work"

                                                                    

      I am concerned about Buddy, my Chocolate Lab, developing “separation anxiety” when I  return to the work force.  Or should I say, I fear his existing “separation anxiety” will worsen considerably, ultimately becoming extreme.  When I get up in the morning, it is usually not by choice, but because the four legged fellow with the big wet nose is nudging me.  I head for the bathroom, and the Buds will usually lie in wait outside the door, whimpering as though I’d moved in permanently. One odd morning, after I showered, perplexed by the unusual quiet, I emerged to find him eating a potholder.  (I know. I should have put it away.)

     My frequent trips to the laundry room will have him standing on the love seat, frantically panting and spewing doggie saliva all over the window sill, as he tries to get a glimpse of me, hopefully on my way back. At times, I will come home to him howling pitifully, like a lone wolf on a moonlit night. The other day, I went out for a few hours, and upon my return, Buddy followed me all over the apartment.  Feeling rather mischievous, I began pacing in circles, amusing myself as he continued to follow me.  When I tired of pacing, I stood in the middle of the living room, doing a pirouette, and he circled me relentlessly, rather like we were engaged in a canine version of Cowboys and Indians. 

     I fear that his appetite for books will resurface, or that he may nibble on my sofa.  He was previously prone to both, even when Aurora was still with us. The problem is that now, aside from still missing Aurora, he’s spoiled.  He has become far too accustomed to having me here with him most of the time.  What kind of mischief might he get himself into next?  Stay tuned…

"Autonomous Cars"

     You remember how technologically challenged I am?  (You should.  I write about it often enough!)  Well, I even surprise myself at times.  I purchased a new shredder recently, and I could not get the contraption to work. (Does anyone even say contraption anymore?) I flicked the on/off switch repeatedly, to no avail. I slathered oil all over the blades. Nothing. I couldn’t understand it.  The shredder ran when I put it in reverse…

     I really didn’t want to go hauling the thing back to Target.  I sat staring at the shredder, pondering my dilemma, when in walks my son. In all his brilliance, he asked me if, once I’d turned the shredder on, I tried putting paper in it…Oops!

     I was recently reading an article regarding autonomous cars, that is, cars that drive themselves.  They are legal in a number of states.  Why?  There is no law on the books that indicates cars must have drivers… (I’m not kidding.  That’s what the article said!)

     The cars are supposed to be infinitely safer, because they eliminate the possibility of human error.  Personally, I have mixed feeling about the science fiction like means of transportation.  On the one hand, an autonomous car would prove beneficial when I encountered a bridge that is too intimidating for me to cross.  On the other hand, would I be able to understand the technology?  Doubtful.  I have great difficulty with paper shredders and I-Pads.  With my limited technological ability, chances are I would program the car to drive itself right off the bridge…which is my ultimate fear to begin with.

     I was born in a city of about 100,000 inhabitants.  We lived on the main drag, which cut a swath clear across the city.  At that time, the street was largely cobblestone, and still had trolley tracks, although they were no longer used.  Far fewer people had cars at that time.  In fact, I can remember horse drawn carts meandering up the street, with mobile merchants selling vegetables, and the rag man, who dealt in or collected rags and sharpened knives.  The milkman delivered milk and butter daily, depositing it in a metal box which sat outside our front door. 

   The transition from horse drawn carts to autonomous cars is drastic, to say the least.  Considering my history, is it surprising at all that I am technologically challenged?  Not in my estimation.  In fact, I’m beginning to consider myself to be rather progressive...

"Like a Postman..."

   Neither snow nor rain nor gloom of night*

   Will deter me from my job seeking plight…

      I took my “new” old car to the mechanic yesterday.  I wanted him to give it the once over, in addition to the standard oil and filter change and lube, and look for and correct any problems so that it is ready to commute when I eventually do land a job. (I hope the car lasts that long.  I probably should have bought new. Of course I couldn’t, since I don’t have a job! Ugh!) 

     I figured the car probably needed brakes, as I was hearing a rubbing sound when I would step on them. (I was correct in that assumption.) What I didn’t expect though, was the surprising revelation heaped on me by my mechanic.  He asked me if I’d noticed the car shaking or wobbling.  Well, no, actually.  I hadn’t. The car is so different from the tortoise, which I drove for nearly ten years, that I thought the car was just…different.  If I had noticed, or realized there was a problem, I wouldn’t have been driving it all over the state of New Jersey during the course of my job search. 

     I had asked the mechanic to check the tires, and he said he noticed right away that the right rear tire was, well, lopsided. Additionally, it had a bubble (think of the inflating football in the Our Gang episode Little Papa.) seemingly like it had bounced off of a curb or a large pothole. (It had. Both, in fact.) When the tire hadn’t immediately flattened, I figured I had lucked out. (I did.) Of course I never actually looked at the tire…I have been driving up and down mountainous roads, in the company of tractor trailers and SUV’s, on busy highways, and over bridges in the snow, sleet, and driving rain, all with a bubble in my tire.  I believe my guardian angel has been keeping an eye on me.  I wonder if she could help me land a job…

*adapted from the Post Office motto

"Like a Charm"

     This past weekend, the 50-Something Freshman had a date like she never had before-with a Doctor!  It was a simple, but fun and relaxed, date.  We went to the local coffee shop, where we sipped flavored lattes and munched on decadent chocolate chip cookies.  Our conversation flowed much like the coffee, it was robust and plentiful.  Having known each other for a time, we didn’t encounter any of those awkward pauses that are common on a first date.  For ninety plus minutes, we discussed a myriad of topics:  movies, travel, and education, to name a few.  There was a young couple sitting next to us the entire time, not uttering one word to each other.  The woman was on her I-Pad and the fellow was listening to his I-Pod. I imagine that to be virtual intimacy of the twenty first century. Young people in coffee shops and restaurants don’t communicate with each other.  I witnessed a more alarming display from another couple.  The fellow was actually talking to the girl, attempting to engage her in conversation, but instead of looking at him, she had her phone perched directly in front of her- at eye level.  I wonder did she have to trade in her manners when she purchased the phone, kind of like a used car…  When I go to a coffee shop or restaurant with friends, it is because I wish to spend time with them, and vice versa! If I were to whip out my I-Pad, I-Phone, or I-Pod, other than to take an important call from my kids, it would be our last social encounter, and I would feel the same way about them.  One time I was out with one of the sons and his girlfriend, and they whipped out their phones during dinner.  I immediately commented that if the phones didn’t disappear, I wasn’t paying... Worked like a charm!