"A Waist of Time"

     My attempt at internet dating continues, and I have made zero progress in the last six months.  Today I scanned fifty pages at five guys per page, and it was an exercise in futility.   Two hundred and fifty guys, and not one appealed to me.

     In all seriousness, I don't think I will ever meet anyone this way.  I'm far too picky and anal.  One fellow indicated that if a woman doesn't display a picture, contacting him would be a waist of time. (Ugh!  I wanted to comment "waste, you fool").   Another fellow has a screen name of Public Enemy, reminding me of an old James Cagney movie.  Nix both of these guys off the list of possibilities.  Another one had in his list of criteria that recognizing certain movie quotes would score "the applicant" extra points.  Given my love for movies, he sounds like a possible match, right?  Except that the quotes were all from gangster movies!  A little too dark for me...I wouldn't trust him either.

     Am I reaching for the stars?  You be the judge. Here's my criteria: the fellow can't be tall, and he can't be  short.  He can't be skinny, and a beard and or mustache is out of the question.  If, in any of his pictures, he's got a beer bottle, a glass of wine, or a cigar in his hand, forget it.  If he's seeking a travel partner, well, that ain't gonna happen.  He can't be too young because I wouldn't trust him, and he can't be too old because I'm not into older men.  A small measure of hair is imperative, and I don't mean white (although mine probably is underneath the hundreds of coats of Miss Clairol slapped on it).  Additionally, he must have a good voice, young sounding and masculine, with no trace of hoarseness. Oh, and let's not forget, first and foremost, he must be able to spell and write in sentences, complete with correct context and punctuation.  However, if he's got a masters degree or a doctorate, I'm not in his league, and if he's got a high school diploma he's not in mine.  See what I mean?  Hopeless!  I feel I'm completely and utterly waisting my time! 

"False Courage"

     My mother used to say that drinking alcohol gave a person "false courage".  I agree with that assessment.  Additionally, I believe that writing Emails, texting, and posting comments or messaging on FB also provide false courage.

     I am appalled at some of the inappropriate statements I see on FB, and I have to wonder what people are thinking.  Now, I don't profess to be a saint, but I do try to behave in a dignified manner when I put things in writing, be it on FB, in an Email, in a text, or on my blog.  I consider who will be reading my comments, and the impression that it will make on a person.  First and foremost, are my children going to read what I write?  If they are, I certainly don't want to write anything they will be ashamed of.  And, not to be redundant, I still feel compelled to at least try to set a good example for them.  

     If I were considering disparaging someone (which I would not do on FB, although I know some who have), I would think about whether or not that person's children would read my comments.  Even if I have a beef with someone (and I do), I would not want to hurt that person's children.  Besides, my opinions are merely that-opinions.  Opinions are not facts.  Every individual has multiple facets and interacts in myriad ways with others, depending on the relationship.

     I do not agree with advertising a family's private squabbles or events long past on FB.  Not everything has to be out there for anyone and everyone to read.  Everyone has skeletons in their closet, and they are in the closet for a reason-they belong there.  There comes a time when we need to just let stuff go.  Rehashing events that happened two decades ago is pointless.  Get over it, come to terms with it, or choose to walk away.  Nothing can be changed at this point.  All we can do is attempt to do better, and not emulate the past.

     I am also appalled by the general lack of respect that is all too common.  Not to sound old, but when I was growing up, I was taught to respect my elders, and also to treat others in the manner that I wished to be treated myself.  I still have respect for elders, but am I not always treated with respect.

     I am quite tempted to get off of FB altogether.  Sometimes it causes more aggravation and hurt feelings than anything else.  But heck, I've always been a glutton for punishment.  I think I'll hang in there a little longer.

"Breaking Bad Marathon"

        I am absolutely addicted to the television show Breaking Bad.  I started watching about six weeks ago, and was hooked from the very first episode.  For me, doing marathons of television show viewing is a new concept, and I absolutely love it. Too much, I think. (It's kind of like watching a really long movie!)   

       For many years, I never watched any TV shows, I mainly viewed movies, both old and new.  Something changed for me, however, once I moved into my apartment and found myself devoid of the company of other humans.  Friends turned me on to some good shows, and I began streaming shows on Netflix.  I watched fourteen episodes of House of Cards (not consecutively), but for some reason I never became emotionally invested in the show, except for my disdain for the female lead, Claire.  I love the show Downton Abbey, and blew through four years of that series poste haste.  I am also a fan of Orange is the New Black, although it is a little graphic for my taste.  Then I discovered Breaking Bad, and it has usurped almost all of my other favorites.  Everything except The Good Wife.  

      I began doing marathons of BB, watching sometimes four or five episodes in a row.  However, once I became engrossed in season three, it became an obsession.  So much so, in fact, that viewing it began interfering with my life, and that includes my class work.  Luckily for me, I was 2/3 through the semester before this BB fascination grabbed hold of me.  

     At the start of this past weekend, I had seventeen episodes left, and I watched four on Friday evening.  Saturday I only watched two because I had my family over to celebrate Easter.  Sunday, however, I was on my own for the day.  I knew when I arose that morning, that I was going to spend the day on the couch, viewing the rest of the series.  Since it was affecting  other priorities, like homework,  I decided that I would give up one day and plow through, freeing me up for the duration of the semester.  I am ashamed to admit that I began at 11:00 A.M. on Sunday morning, and I didn't stop (except to eat and walk the dog) until 10:00 P.M.  I even skipped The Good Wife so that I could watch the very last episode of BB.  Now I can get back to living my life-starting tomorrow.  I am compelled to play hooky from class tonight because....I didn't do my homework!  Imagine-if I had spent those eleven hours studying, I'd know the whole damn French language by now! (My friends and faithful readers know me well, and are keenly aware that this is completely out of character for me.)  So I am going to Email Madame Professeure, obtain my assignment for tonight, and embark on a homework marathon.  (Of course, I had to compose this blog post before I started.)  Thankfully, my grades are good, my attendance near perfect, and I have applied myself throughout the semester.  There have been a number of evenings when I would have liked to skip class, especially during the dreadful winter we had, but I persevered, knowing that an evening might come when I would really need the break.  Tonight is the night!  Regarding the show-it is ranked up there as one of my all time favorites.  I loved the story (and especially that cute little Jesse Pinkman), and found the evolution of the various characters utterly fascinating.  

     I already have another series lined up, but I am holding off starting it until after my final exam.  I'm not going to tempt fate!  I am in the market for an "A", and nothing is going to stop me, not even an evening with Jesse Pinkman.

"Happy Birthday"

     This week, April 23 to be exact, my blog will be two years old.  This is also my 200th post. Happy Birthday 50-Something!

     In the two years since,  I have lost a job, returned to work, continued with my education, moved into my own apartment, and now am coping with the not too far off milestone birthday, which I am already dreading.  I have come to terms with my writing, and realize that I do not have the stamina to really pursue publication.  But I'm okay with that.  I write now more for the pleasure of it, as well as to release and manage my emotions.  I embrace my new life, and adjust to the course that my life has taken, ever grateful for my good fortune, for I feel that I am truly blessed.  I live a simple life, and I am content with it.  I loathe self indulgence, and live within my means.  I don't need designer clothes, a brand new car, the latest that technology has to offer, or lavish vacations.  Let me spend time with my children, see a movie with my BFF, cuddle with my dog, read a good book, cook my favorite meal, witness a beautiful sunrise, and I am happy and filled with gratitude.  I love my apartment and the town I live in.  I value my independence and self reliance.  And above all else, I cherish my sons.  I love them enough to let them go, despite the excruciating pain of it.  As their mother, I encourage them to live their own lives, to pursue their dreams, to do what makes them happy, and not to worry about me.  I still cry when they leave me, but I know that this is how it is supposed to be.  It is my responsibility to allow them their own independence, but to be here for them whenever they may need my support.   

     As I look back on the last 34 years, I cannot believe the speed with with the years have flown by.  If I could only go back in time,  I would love to have spent every waking moment with my children, as  I didn't know that they would be grown up faster than I could blink.  It's unfortunate that life does not really allow us that luxury, however.  Unless a person is independently wealthy,   there are 40 hour work weeks, houses to clean, bills to be paid, laundry to be done, and a spouse who clamors for our attention.  I guess that's why God gives us grandchildren.  The responsibilities of our youth have diminished, and we are able to spend our free time playing with the children.  I, for one, am ready for the next chapter.  Maybe it's time to abandon my resolve and start exerting a little pressure...