Considering Mothers' Day is just weeks away, I feel it necessary to broach a subject that most folks don't want to believe or acknowledge. There are bad mothers. Not just the mothers you read about in the news who do horrible things to their children, but mothers we know. Mothers in our families, mothers of friends, acquaintances. Women who don't commit crimes against their children that warrant criminal charges, but nevertheless perpetrate abuse, which takes on many shapes and forms.
Just being a mother doesn't qualify a person for any special accolades. Having given birth doesn't automatically relegate a woman to impending sainthood. I find it tiresome reading ridiculous posts on social media indicating the marvelous phenomenon associated with being a mother. Women who are inherently bad do give birth, and they do raise families. Perhaps people are hesitant to believe that a mother can actually possess undesirable characteristics such as dishonesty or cruelty, but some do.
As children, we tend to grow up believing our mothers to be infallible. As adults, we look back and realize they were only human, as we are. However, being human doesn't excuse a mother from treating her child in an unkind manner. Humans make mistakes. The difference between being human vs. being an abuser is defined by the ability to admit having made mistakes and ask forgiveness, something the abusive mother will never do.
A mother's job is to, first and foremost, love her child. How many mothers were disappointed in their child, and not disinclined to let the child know it? I know of a mother who did everything in her power to destroy her daughter's sense of self esteem, and she was very successful at it. She used cutting words to demean. She blatantly demonstrated favoritism to others. She controlled. She sabotaged. She demonstrated an utter lack of respect for her daughter, as well as instilling that lack of respect in other family members, insuring that her legacy of unkindness would live on. The resulting wounds run deep, and the effect lasted a lifetime. The hypocrite put on a good show in front of others, as hypocrites do. If her victim were to divulge the injustices that were heaped upon her in her formative years and beyond, who would believe her? But ponder this. How many abusers do you know that advertise it as if it were something to be proud of? They don't. In public, they overcompensate, creating an illusion, ensuring that their victim would never be believed when attempting to expose their abuser.
I once read a post on social media which indicated that just because your mother didn't demonstrate her love for you, didn't mean that she didn't love you, only that she was incapable of showing it, for any number of reasons. To that I say bull! People make conscious choices. Why make excuses for them? Perhaps that post was written to make victims of maternal maltreatment experience less emotional pain. Personally, I believe in facing facts. So maybe she didn't love you. That was because of her, not you. Consider this. Quite possibly you were raised in an abusive environment, despite which you've grown into a fine upstanding human being, and are a wonderful parent yourself. What does that tell you? That you are a person of integrity. That you are resilient, strong, and determined to break the cycle of abuse, or whatever it was that you suffered at the hands of your mother. That clearly demonstrates that the problem lies with her, not you, her unfortunate victim. So this Mothers' Day, I propose we give credit where credit is due, an ambiguous challenge...
One final thought on the matter: if a person chooses not to sing her mother's praises, maybe, just maybe, she has a valid reason, or perhaps she has many.
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