For the second time in one year, I went shopping for a Mother of the Groom dress with my 2 best girlfriends. A fun expedition, it afforded me time well spent with my BFF's, as well as sharing the joy derived from another of my sons being set to marry soon, and the prospect of my family expanding again. Upon arrival at the store of choice, the young lady at the front desk initially expressed horror when she thought we were there seeking wedding dresses. (The thought of that causes me horror-ever marrying again, anyway). Our young stylist was considerably more gracious, enthusiastically leading us though crowded aisles, pulling dress after dress from the racks, dresses that were either downright revolting or that met with my approval. "Are you looking for a dress with bling?" she asked. "No" I replied, in my ignorance, "and I don't want a lot of sequins and baubles either"! Cognizant of the communication gap inherent in our age difference, she sought out dresses that were not overly ornamented. A sojourn through the mothers' dresses resulted in but 2 possibilities, neither of which I was crazy about. The stylist then suggested looking through the bridesmaid's dresses, which I found a little startling. That resulted in two more mediocre possibilities. Then it was my turn to express horror when the stylist suggested looking through... the Prom Dresses! I don't want to look ridiculous, I firmly opined. (I imagined I would look ridiculous enough just being in that section, at least without a teenager in tow). She persisted, and felt there just might be something among those dresses that I would find appealing. Quite frankly, I found most of them to be too revealing, and some just ridiculous. I am not into those feathery looks. I don't want to attend my son's wedding resembling an aging ostrich. Much to my surprise, I did find a dress in that section. Of the five varied dresses that I tried on, it was a toss up between it and the other dress of a certain color, that I might never have considered if not for a stylist with vision. It was a tough choice, as I tried them on repeatedly, back to back, trying to ascertain which was the most flattering. I felt the black and white had a uniqueness to it that would not be repeated, unless one of the younger set decided to wear her leftover prom dress. (The only thing that could be worse than both Mothers wearing the same gown, would have been me and a teenager in the same dress). Neither of the dresses possessed one matronly looking fiber, which was one of my priorities. I really liked the black and white, but oh! The other one.. So I did not choose the black and white. If only I had another wedding to attend!
Sunday, April 24, 2016
Monday, April 18, 2016
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Three Men and a Piano
If you are a fan of the movie, The Piano, you may enjoy this interpretation which I wrote for my Introduction to Film Study class awhile back:
Three Men and a Piano
Five people are seeking control of Ada McGrath’s life: Ada’s
father , her husband, Alistair Stuart, her potential lover, George Baines, Flora,
her daughter, and Ada
herself. The bulk of Ada’s story will play out
in 1850’s New Zealand,
where she is compelled to relocate to in an arranged marriage.
When we meet Ada McGrath initially, she
indicates that she has not spoken since she was six years old, adding that no
one knows why, even she. Her father attributes her muteness to a dark talent,
which would include her strong will and her extraordinary ability to play the
piano. It is obvious early on, however, that her muteness is one of the few
things in her life which she herself could control. Ada is a single woman with young daughter who
is married off to a man she had never met, by her father. This is a blatant
demonstration of the lack of control which she has over her own destiny. In the only scene in which he appears, Ada’s father is attempting
to drag a reluctant horse which is carrying his granddaughter. This is
representative of Ada and her daughter, and
their subsequent move to New
Zealand, where they will reluctantly take up
residence with Alistair.
Ada does
not consider herself silent, as playing her beloved piano is her mode of
expression. In a scene just prior to her departure to New Zealand, we are witness to Ada’s awesome ability to play. Her strong
display of emotion is akin to that of an artist who expresses himself through
painting or sculpture, or a writer, whose means of expression may be poetry or
prose. Although when the time for departure arrives, she abruptly ceases
playing the piano, and her facial expression transforms to that of muted dread.
Stormy seas upon arrival in New Zealand
are indicative of the stormy relationship that will exist between Alistair and Ada. Sitting on the beach
awaiting his arrival, Ada
slowly plays a sad melody on the piano, while her daughter sleeps peacefully in
her lap. A sudden wave disrupts the quietude, symbolizing the effect Alistair’s
arrival will have on their lives. While en route to retrieve Ada and Flora, Alistair pauses to view her
picture. Holding it in rough hands while
combing his hair is a prelude to his treatment of her. Gentleness will be
nonexistent, yet her affections sought after.
Flora is a reluctant participant in this ill conceived of arrangement,
and expresses to Ada
that she will not even look at Alistair.
She has an alliance with Ada
with which she is happy, that is of being the sole recipient of her mother’s
love before, as well as during, the loveless marriage. That changes later on
however, when Flora feels she is in competition with George Baines for her mother’s
affection, whereas there was no competition between she and Alistair. Hence Flora
betrays her mother, an act she comes to regret when she realizes the dire
consequences it has.
Ada’s
status as a non person is demonstrated throughout the film in the manner that
she is treated by her father, husband, the natives, and the Aunties. For
example, upon her arrival, Alistair does not even acknowledge her, except to
orchestrate the transport of her belongings. Ada was consumed with the destiny of her
piano, and Alistair completely ignored her concerns while discussing completely
unrelated matters. As they are traveling to Alistair’s home, a native woman
takes Ada’s shawl
and wears it triumphantly. One of the Aunties dons Ada’s
wedding garment, dancing around in it as if Ada herself is invisible. Ada’s status as a nonentity is further
exemplified in a discussion Alistair has with Baines when they agree to swap
the piano for land. Alistair refers to it as merely “the piano on the beach”,
rather than Ada’s
piano. Conversely, he referred to it as
her piano when informing her of the swap, an indication of his control over her
as well as a reinforcement of her insignificant status in the relationship. Alistair
subsequently commits to George that Ada
will provide him with lessons, stating that he has in a letter that she plays
quite well. Interestingly, Alistair would rarely hear Ada play the piano, although she played
freely in George’s presence.
In a letter written prior to the marriage, Alistair misrepresented
himself to Mr. McGrath as being noble in relation to Ada’s muteness, whereas this attribute was an
attraction to Alistair, given his controlling nature. The instant they meet, a
tension quickly becomes evident, as Alistair does not hide his disappointment. He wastes no time in displaying his
insensitive nature, as he expresses his contempt of her small stature to George
Baines, a neighbor who is destined to become Ada’s lover. Alistair viewed Ada
as no more than a silent workhorse, an assessment he shared with Ada’s father, which is alluded
to in the aforementioned opening scene.
George’s sensitivity is immediately discernable, as he indicates to
Alistair that Ada
appears tired. He exhibits a good deal of sensitivity later as well, when he accompanies
Ada to the beach so she may play, and later on, once he assumes possession of
the piano, by arranging to have it tuned, and additionally in the tender way he
cares for it, realizing how Ada values it. Conversely, he too attempts to
control Ada as
he barters with her for possession of the piano, suggesting she may “earn it
back”. Contrary to Alistair, however, George’s
motivation is not born of malice, but by a lack of self esteem. He is a poor,
illiterate man, who came to love Ada
very much, although he did not deem himself worthy of her. His low self esteem
is subtly perceivable on the beach, when he looks at Ada, then turns and hangs his head as if in
shame, and then turns and sheepishly looks at her again. Initially Ada did feel superior to
George, but he eventually won her over. The opposite of Alistair, George utilizes
the piano as a means of gaining her affections, whereas Alistair employs the
piano purely as a means of control.
The variance between the two men
is also represented in the landscape where their homes are situated, as it is
barren and dismal by Alistair’s, and lush and peaceful by George’s. The brief encounter George has with his horse
is also in direct opposition to Ada’s
father, as George is gentle, and his horse, content.
Various other scenes in the film are symbolic. For instance, three
teacups on Alistair’s table, a large one opposite two smaller ones, represent
the division between the three family members. He smashes the smaller one,
which symbolizes the manner in which he rules, which is through sheer force. The
lonely piano on the beach is representative of Ada’s isolation. Without her beloved piano, Ada has a very limited outlet for her
emotions. Her anger is evidenced when
she tears her wedding garment, and her sorrow, by her silent tears while she
stands in the window pondering the state of the abandoned piano, which is
subject to the elements.
The arrangement between George and Ada
portrays him in a negative light. However, his sensitivity prevails as he interprets
Ada’s emotions,
realizing how unhappy she is. He is a direct parallel to Flora’s father, who didn’t
require that Ada
speak, “as she could lay thoughts out in his mind like a sheet”. Ada
was obviously unhappy with the arrangement, but was highly motivated. After a number of visits, it becomes apparent
that Ada is
falling for George also, as his appreciation for her playing and his
sensitivity and gentle nature win her over.
The climax of the story comes when Alistair finds out about the love
affair, and Flora allies herself with Alistair. In a final, desperate bid to
control her, Alistair takes an axe and chops off one of Ada’s fingers, knowing this was the ultimate
pain that he could inflict on her. He ultimately realized that her will is
strong and insurmountable, and asked George to take her away, which he did, by
boat. Ada subsequently demanded that George discard
the spoiled piano. As he throws the
piano overboard, Ada
purposely tangles her foot in the rope and gets pulled under. Her will chooses
life, and she manages to free herself.
In conclusion, Ada McGrath is a strong willed woman who is willing to
sacrifice all for her piano. However, once she is secure in George’s love, she
has him discard it Ada
slowly teaches herself to speak again, as George provides the love, support,
and most importantly, the validation she always wanted. In her closing dialogue
this is reinforced when she talks about her dream of floating lifelessly above
the piano. She indicates that it is a strange
dream, but it is her own.
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Mothers' Day
Considering Mothers' Day is just weeks away, I feel it necessary to broach a subject that most folks don't want to believe or acknowledge. There are bad mothers. Not just the mothers you read about in the news who do horrible things to their children, but mothers we know. Mothers in our families, mothers of friends, acquaintances. Women who don't commit crimes against their children that warrant criminal charges, but nevertheless perpetrate abuse, which takes on many shapes and forms.
Just being a mother doesn't qualify a person for any special accolades. Having given birth doesn't automatically relegate a woman to impending sainthood. I find it tiresome reading ridiculous posts on social media indicating the marvelous phenomenon associated with being a mother. Women who are inherently bad do give birth, and they do raise families. Perhaps people are hesitant to believe that a mother can actually possess undesirable characteristics such as dishonesty or cruelty, but some do.
As children, we tend to grow up believing our mothers to be infallible. As adults, we look back and realize they were only human, as we are. However, being human doesn't excuse a mother from treating her child in an unkind manner. Humans make mistakes. The difference between being human vs. being an abuser is defined by the ability to admit having made mistakes and ask forgiveness, something the abusive mother will never do.
A mother's job is to, first and foremost, love her child. How many mothers were disappointed in their child, and not disinclined to let the child know it? I know of a mother who did everything in her power to destroy her daughter's sense of self esteem, and she was very successful at it. She used cutting words to demean. She blatantly demonstrated favoritism to others. She controlled. She sabotaged. She demonstrated an utter lack of respect for her daughter, as well as instilling that lack of respect in other family members, insuring that her legacy of unkindness would live on. The resulting wounds run deep, and the effect lasted a lifetime. The hypocrite put on a good show in front of others, as hypocrites do. If her victim were to divulge the injustices that were heaped upon her in her formative years and beyond, who would believe her? But ponder this. How many abusers do you know that advertise it as if it were something to be proud of? They don't. In public, they overcompensate, creating an illusion, ensuring that their victim would never be believed when attempting to expose their abuser.
I once read a post on social media which indicated that just because your mother didn't demonstrate her love for you, didn't mean that she didn't love you, only that she was incapable of showing it, for any number of reasons. To that I say bull! People make conscious choices. Why make excuses for them? Perhaps that post was written to make victims of maternal maltreatment experience less emotional pain. Personally, I believe in facing facts. So maybe she didn't love you. That was because of her, not you. Consider this. Quite possibly you were raised in an abusive environment, despite which you've grown into a fine upstanding human being, and are a wonderful parent yourself. What does that tell you? That you are a person of integrity. That you are resilient, strong, and determined to break the cycle of abuse, or whatever it was that you suffered at the hands of your mother. That clearly demonstrates that the problem lies with her, not you, her unfortunate victim. So this Mothers' Day, I propose we give credit where credit is due, an ambiguous challenge...
One final thought on the matter: if a person chooses not to sing her mother's praises, maybe, just maybe, she has a valid reason, or perhaps she has many.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)